Family is an intergenerational cycle of value building. Read on to hear about what my family focuses on.
PART 1: TRANSCRIPT
DAUGHTER: So, based on your relationships with your parents, what are your family values? How did you want me to interact with you guys and the world around me?
*both parents speak at the same time*
DAD: Did you want to start? Sounded like you had something to say.
MOM: Yeah, I’ll start. I just had one thought. We came across this question sometime before you were born: would you rather have a happy child or an intelligent child? It sparked a whole discussion where we decided that if this was a real question then we wanted you to be happy. And I think it was also a big goal for us to be close to you. Some parents parent at a distance, but we wanted to know you and spend time with you. When your dad finally got to a place where he could work his own hours on the family business rather than truck driving it was at a point where you were in high school and he was like, I gotta do this now because I don’t want to miss this. That was very important to him, seeing you grow up.
DAUGHTER: I remember that. It was nice to have you around more.
DAD: Thank you. To me, I would agree with everything your mother said. To be happy was first and foremost, but I also want you to have a secure upbringing. What I appreciated from Kelly's upbringing was the security in her family that she had. Beyond that, I wanted you to be a strong woman, which I believe we certainly got. We also wanted a daughter that was fearless, one that wasn't afraid of traveling or going after what she wanted. The only thing I am still concerned about right now is your fear of relationships. I know you're plenty smart. I think you are a highly intelligent, very compassionate, loving person. I think you've generally got unbelievable qualities. If there was anything that I'm like, did we do enough of this or that it would be your fear of relationships.
DAUGHTER: Well, you felt that way too when you were my age.
DAD: Absolutely. You know, sometimes I wonder, did we do enough to help you be the most-I felt like we really pushed you academically. We really encouraged you to go after things and travel, we did a pretty good job with that. But I think you ride yourself too much and I worry if you're as happy as you could be if you would just relax a little bit more. But anyways, what was your perspective on what you thought we wanted out of your childhood?
DAUGHTER: I don't want anyone to get upset by what I say. Because obviously memory is not that great.
MOM: But that’s how you felt as a kid, and kid’s have a distorted view-I shouldn't say distorted- kids have a different perspective than their parents do.
DAUGHTER: Since the day I was born, I loved mom’s family to death. I always felt so secure whenever we would go to Ohio. It felt like a space where I could decompress and get away from my life’s problems. I consider them to be an important part of who I am as a person. So, the idea of family was always forefront for me. I just feel like that's the biggest takeaway I have, but dad also brought a lot of fearlessness and imagination into my childhood. He was unhindered in his expression of his inner child, and I feel like that kept it going in me because he also told me so many wonderful stories. Now storytelling is one of my biggest drivers in life. Not to mention, I was seeing mom showing a lot of creativity through her art. I remember her studio being like a very safe space for me, which is why I harbored some resentment when she stopped painting because something about the way the energy in the room buzzed when she was painting made me feel really happy as a child. So, even if I didn't realize it for a while, I think creativity came through in various ways too.
DAD: Wonderful. I don't know what you were worried about that we might take the wrong way because that was all great. And I would just like to give kudos to grandma Eve because that playfulness in my stories was based on my upbringing with grandma.
DAUGHTER: Yeah. Uh, I guess I said that because for so long you just made me so angry, dad.
DAD: I would say up to a certain point you had me on a pedestal and that you came to a point where you realized I wasn’t always right. What else could he do to mislead me? Or what else could I have a better path on? And I think that's difficult because I remember some of that with my own mother, and realizing her path wasn’t going to work for me. So it's been a long trip to kind of get back to acceptance. The other thing I’ve realized from this conversation is that the thing I admire most about your family, Kelly, is that they respect each other. Sometimes I feel like my family always has to get in a little jab at each other.
DAUGHTER: What gets me about your family, dad, is that every single person has to have the last word.
DAD: *snickering* Yeah, you've learned that trick too, Kelly.
PART 2: MY THOUGHTS
My early childhood was spent scampering across the monkey bars and shucking corn to season mud pies. Over and over my parents explicitly encouraged my imagination. To be honest, I think my dad's favorite thing about having a kid was getting an avenue to express his creativity and playful energy.
Growing up with my dad was like growing up with an older brother who teases you constantly. He used to make me sing whatever I was saying to him or he wouldn’t respond. When I was in elementary school, he took great joy from bursting into my room in the early morning and jumping up and down on my bed barking like a dog, laughing hysterically as I mumbled a complaint, but he doesn’t think that’s so funny anymore whenever I do it back to him. It used to exhaust my mom, as she’d cry wolf whenever we’d try to drag her into the middle of it claiming she was the glue while she remarked that she hadn’t asked for two children.
That’s why I’m a little irritated that he commented on what still concerns him, mainly my fear of relationships. I know I said my parents and I can talk about everything, and that remains mostly true, but sometimes my dad takes it too far. It’s like he was born with no filter, a dual package with the ability to retain such a child-like energy, or maybe that has something to do with his family because they’re all kind of like that. It feels like every person on my dad’s side is a natural-born storyteller, full of exaggeration and a desire to be center stage. Their knack for captivating an audience is something I admire in all of them. It also tends to make them a bit selfish.
At the same time, a lot of the things I’m going through emotionally resemble what my dad experienced growing up, a terrifying thought indeed, but it’s definitely a good source to gather wisdom from. Whenever I express my feelings about something, my dad is right there beside me, as long as we don’t somehow misinterpret what the other is trying to say and get into an argument that goes in circles before we realize we are basically making the same point.
I also know I do have a fear of relationships, which probably stems from a few unfortunate events in my past and my utter lack of confidence. My hope is that talking about it, and acknowledging it, will get me somewhere so that when I eventually create a family of my own, I will be able to emulate those values that mean the most to me.
I crave a close knit family, because this is a value that remains central to my core. I want a family that is supportive and respectfully, like my mom’s, but not so afraid of leaving their comfort zone. I think it’s extremely important for one’s mental health to maintain that playfulness that I had in my childhood. If I have children, I want to swaddle them in a creative, warm environment. I want to be in a household where friends and family are constantly coming and going, a testament to the strong sense of community between us.
I simply don’t see as much human need for individualism as our country makes it out to be. While I think individual discovery and accomplishment has its value, I put more weight on communal experiences of joy and service. I’m not talking about silencing individual thought, but rather rethinking the way we live life to be based around community. This is something that I would pass on to whatever family I create.
PART 3: RESEARCH
There are numerous proven benefits to having a tight knit support system and family, whether that be genetic or not. For instance, the American Society of Aging found that older adults with large social networks showed better cognitive functions and episodic memory. It’s even better for your cardiovascular health, as stress can cause inflammation in the arteries. Having close and healthy relationships serves as a stress buffer.
Creativity can also provide major health benefits. In fact, the theory of cognition actually suggests that creativity is the reason for life. Being creative can serve as a kind of release from stress, especially when you get in the flow during repetitive tasks like drawing. My mom always used to encourage me to release pent up energy and anxiety by working out or doing something creative. It’s something I’d definitely continue with my children. Many studies have also found that writing helps people improve their mental health through processing their emotions, and I concur. They’ve also found that journaling strengthens your immune system by increasing your CD4+ lymphocyte count, though they aren’t exactly sure how this is done.
I think most of these central values boil down to the idea of an inner child. Merriam Webster defines an inner child as ”the childlike usually hidden part of a person's personality that is characterized by playfulness, spontaneity, and creativity usually accompanied by anger, hurt, and fear attributable to childhood experiences.” It holds on to both the best and worst of our past, and learning to listen to it is the key to finding happiness.
However, until doing research for this project, I had a very one-sided view of the only child. It had only ever been explained to me as the incredible imagination and life force that comes with being a child, something we learn to cover up as we get older. Both my parents and previous professors have explained that far too many adults forget how to call upon this playfulness inside them and let loose.
In one article I was reading it talked about how marriage can create a cradle for each partner’s inner child. Fostering that inner child in each other, and overcoming the overwhelming demands of parenthood that create anxieties about changing one’s identity, is the best way to take care of your actual child. I certainly feel like my parents have done that.
Another article was talking about how closely correlated success and having a healthy inner child are. Success here refers to emotional regulation, inner peace, and fulfillment. This is the type of success I wish to foster for my family because doing so means they will feel free to try new things without fear of failure.
How does one build this inner child you might ask? By getting more in touch with your feelings and living in the moment. Some, like my mom, choose to use “The Artist’s Way” to express their inner child. My mom used to free write a few pages each day about whatever she was feeling, a lot of it revolved around her family and her work. Others say that you can chase after your inner child through the analysis of your dreams, because they reveal what the hindered conscious mind cannot.
PART 4: WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?
My mom kept mentioning over and over during this project how surprised she was at the connections between generations. It kind of took this project down a whole other avenue, and I ended up asking my parents a lot more about their childhoods than I had originally intended, which makes sense when I think about it because it's hard to understand why you are the way you are if you don't look back at your past.
REFERENCES
Goldstein, Esther. “What Is an Inner Child: And What Does It Know - Integrative
Psychotherapy Mental Health Blog.” Integrative Psychotherapy & Trauma Treatment, Integrative Psychotherapy & Trauma Treatment, 2 Aug. 2021, https://integrativepsych.co/new-blog/what-is-an-inner-child.
“Inner Child.” Merriam-Webster, Merriam-Webster,
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/inner%20child.
Stahl, Ashley. “Here's How Creativity Actually Improves Your Health.” Forbes, Forbes
Magazine, 12 Aug. 2018, https://www.forbes.com/sites/ashleystahl/2018/07/25/heres-how-creativity-actually-improves-your-health/?sh=6f538e2a13a6.
4 Reasons Friends and Family Are Good for Health | Piedmont Healthcare,
https://www.piedmont.org/living-better/4-reasons-friends-and-family-are-good-for-your-health.
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