DeconStructing
The picture-perfect family...
“Your parents look like the epitome of siblings who date"
MOM: ugh, why do people have to say that about us! makes me feel gross. it's just because not that many people have our hair color. (when my mom made me mad I used to say something similar just because I knew how much it pissed her off.)
“You give me girl next door vibes”
DAUGHTER: why? just because I'm smiley? because both me and my mom are chronic people-pleasers? (which is super contradictory to our inner thought process: we have a lot of opinions, but if we get the slightest hint that they aren't welcome in new situations we shut down.)
"I wish my kid called me as much as yours does"
DAD: it wasn't always like that. we've only recently gotten to that point after a lot of hard times and open communication. (there was a time when I wouldn't let my dad hug me because I was so self-conscious.)
I find myself a bit taken aback when others make comments hinting at the idea that my family is anything close to perfect. I shouldn't be surprised. I know from personal experience that it's easy to be jealous of others.
As the first example that comes to mind, I once told my mom to her face that I wished my aunt was my mom instead of her just because my aunt took me shopping and loved pampering herself whereas my mom found those things to be rather frivolous. Now I realize that these stances represented a difference in priorities, and I've come to greatly respect my mom's comparatively down-to-earth nature. Plus, my mom still enjoys thrifting and such. It's just that once you mention getting acrylics or clothes that cost over forty dollars she's simply not interested.
You see, from an outsider's perspective of a family's dynamic you only get a narrow view of what goes on behind the curtains. From there, you can focus on those few qualities that you feel your family lacks without facing any consequences. But the truth is that no matter how things may appear from the outside every family inevitable evokes trauma of some sort.
Family is such an integral part of who we are that it's hard not to mess it up somehow. This is why I decided to create a project on my family: I've always found family dynamics to be fascinating, and it doesn't hurt that I am close to my parents despite all the shit we've been through. As put by my mother, we are a small but mighty force.
However, this isn't something I consciously appreciated until I spent a year living away from everyone I loved in Italy. Under the roofs of strangers, I noticed how their culture facilitates strong ties to family that gave the people I met incredible support networks and bellies that were perpetually full of delicious food (such as homemade pasta for lunch everyday). When I came back I recognized that family mattered a lot to me, and I was less afraid of the retribution I might face from deciding to focus on them.
With all that said, I'd like to explore my family's complex relations and experiences, but it wouldn't be fair to tell this story if I didn’t get everyone's perspective...
Hi! I’m Sydney
A college student on the verge of graduation and in the throes of a quarter life crisis
When I'm not in crisis mode or cramming for an exam (I'm doubling majoring with a minor, so this happens quite often), I like to spend my time outside. I've always had an affinity for the outdoors and staying active. I think this started because my parents took me camping a lot as a kid, and I was fortunate enough to have a huge backyard.
Because I was an only child, I was constantly using my imagination to create wild scenarios of adventure in the pursuit of keeping myself entertained. One time I made a bird's nest that was big enough for a human and was quite upset when not a single bird made use of my beautiful craftsmanship.
Other than that, I've always been big on storytelling. Before I knew how to write, I used to fill notebooks with scribbly lines that I imagined perfectly mocked my mother's cursive. I'd make my parents listen as I read the story aloud, trailing my fingers across the pages.
Along the same lines, I LOVE forming connections with new people and learning about their passions. It's so fun to hear where people came from and what made them who they are today.
I'm the kind of weird that actually looks forward to interviews, which is part of the reason why my favorite extracurricular during college has been MAC-ASB, a service-learning org full of wonderful people. My leadership position in the org entails interviewing all the newbies, a task I take on with great pride.
I’m Tim
An Entrepreneur passionate about building a life worth living through play
I have the privilege of being the father of an incredible daughter and the husband of 24 years to a wonderful wife. I’m passionate about flipping homes for a living. While this hasn’t filled our bank account, it’s allowed for a lifestyle free of most stress and an ability to focus on what’s important. Unfortunately, this wasn’t always the case when Sydney was growing up.
I was raised by a single mom with no real male role model. Mom watched kids all day, and it was not uncommon for her to fall asleep from exhaustion by 7:30. This gave me a lot of freedom and a strong sense of independence. The downside was that I didn’t always feel like I had a sense of direction as a child or young teen.
My mom has always suffered from a huge amount of guilt and was never able to talk openly about her past. Because of this, part of me always felt like I was adopted. There was always lots of love and talk of dreams but little follow through or direction. In order to make my way through life, I’ve come to the conclusion the greatest gift given to us is life itself! It’s an adventure waiting to be explored. Problems or challenges are there for a reason. A lesson you need before you can move on. Without challenges there’s no reason to change.
The other thing you need to understand about me is that I’m a big believer in letting your inner child out to play. Life can be just as much fun being chased by your eight year old nephew with the laser gun, racing down a mountain and hitting a jump with your mountain bike, or meeting new people and finding out what makes them tick.
I’m kelly
An Artist with a deep love of quality family time
Tim and Sydney often refer to me as 'the glue' of the family. Recently, I have declared that I don’t want to be the glue and they need to figure it out for themselves! The two of them share many personality traits, so you can imagine there was some head butting going on.
I grew up in a close knit family of 6 near Toledo, OH. My parents had a hands off approach that gave my siblings and I plenty of room to explore and play. It was a wonderful and sheltered childhood. However, outside my home I was very shy and received little guidance. Most adults seemed to love that I was so quiet, but it also meant I was overlooked. At age 6, my bus driver went speeding past my house while I sat frozen in fear. I remember the bus driver saying to my parents, “I love that Kelly is so quiet but she should really speak up if I am passing her stop!” Years later when Sydney was in third grade, I started working for the local school district. I recall having a conversation with our speech therapist about a kindergartener she was working with- a student who did not speak outside of her home. I learned from that conversation that there was a name for what I went through, selective mute. At that time, I worked as a librarian and teacher aid, so I observed first-hand the growth in this student once they received professional help. I was so envious, knowing the years I struggled on my own trying to 'come out of my shell.'
After high school, I moved away from home to go to art school- trying to open up my world. I moved back home after two years to attend the local university. I received a Bachelor of Fine Arts degree. I loved my art school experiences. I could communicate without speaking. I loved the art classroom dynamic, smaller class sizes situated around a model or still life. The energy of artists working quietly was amazing. I would not trade my education for anything. It taught me how to see, visualize, and design. I learned to work diligently and independently while expressing my ideas. Slowly, I came out of my shell.
After graduation from the University of Toledo I chose to move away from home again, and that is how I landed in south west Michigan. I loved the area and all the natural beauty: the countryside, the lake, the dunes, the forests. When Tim and I met we bonded over our love of the outdoors. My fate was sealed and I have been with Tim in Michigan ever since. We felt really good about raising our daughter with so much beauty. Hiking in the woods, swimming at the lake and exploring the dunes was a large part of our family dynamic.
Through the years I have watched Tim in amazement at his ability to have conversations with so many different types of people. He is fearless, and Sydney is just like him. I have learned so much from both of them. Now I recognize my own energy levels and abilities and have learned how to communicate with the outside world. No one is looking at me as a shy little girl anymore.
We model how to talk, ride a bike, and have a relationship off of the examples given to us by our families. Yet, while family is highly personal it is also totally socially constructed. The concept of family comes with so many various implicit requirements which seem fundamental to its nature, including shared meals and gift-giving.
I will attempt to get at the root of this tension between what family is defined as and what I know my family to be within the conversations below. Personally, I know my parents as a loving safeguard, but the pesky idea of American individualism has often made me question if familial bonds and self-reliance are mutually exclusive.
I think a painting my mom made about her own childhood highlights this tension quite well, at least for families like ours. The painting depicts four succinct images of figures in a cave. The first figure is curled up in the dark. This represents the security of familiar surroundings and family. But then slowly, the following figures recognize that there’s something more outside the cave. Figures two through four crawl towards the world that awaits them until finally the last embraces the sunlight funneling through the entrance of the cave.
When I asked my mom about this painting, she replied that it's loosely based off of Plato's idea of enlightenment: You don't know what you don't know.
How do I think this relates to family? Well, a lot of people think that constantly hanging out with your family is a crutch, especially if you aren't a young child anymore. However, I believe that having a strong support network can make us feel safe enough to explore the beyond. Our families, or friends, can help with the overwhelming realization of how tiny we are in this world. Ideally, they should serve as a stepping stone and a place of continual comfort.
Below is a visual representation of the comfort provided to me by my family. It's the bits and pieces which best capture my childhood.
My aunt builds sand castles for a living and she made the Colosseum out of sand for my going away party. Grandma photo bombed the pic
Just your typical shenanigans
My Great Grandma had 10 kids. So, we have to rent out a hall for Christmas. Anyone under 30 is forced to sit on Santa's lap
We spent a lot of time at the beach and had fam reunions on my dad's side in a remote part of northern MI
Quick trip after I got back from my gap year + before I started college. It was a hectic summer
My mom's fav inspo is Kahlo. She's always dragging us to museums + taking artsy photos
My mom's bestie has a daughter my age and we grew up together: 5 hr dance recitals, girl scout camps, and high school drama
My happy place + and the site of many runs, family hikes, and camping excursions (we'd always go for 4th of july)
"If you're not bleeding by the end then you didn't really go" -- Destroyer and Da Beast
What does our family mean to you?
MOM
This family is comfort. These two are my closest companions in life: we have a good understanding of what we want and we know how to support each other.
One thing that Tim and I decided early on in our relationship was that we had to be willing to talk about things even if we thought it might cause problems. I think that promise to each other has helped us to continue to grow over the years. I believe that is why we were all so willing to participate in this project.
DAD
When we're together, I feel safe. I don't feel like I'm going to be attacked. I feel loved. I’m very proud of you and mom and the people that you are. More particularly you, because you're at a stage in your life where you're growing at a tremendous rate.
I think our relationship works so well because of our ability to communicate. We can pretty much talk to each other about anything, even stuff we don’t wanna *breaks off into laughter*. And, it's our ability to forgive each other over things that I've seen other families go nuclear about. Even when we get mad, we don't bring up stuff from a year ago. We deal with it at the moment and we don't carry a grudge.
DAUGHTER
To me, it’s mostly the feeling I get when we are together. Our relationship is just so stable. In the past I've struggled with a lot of anxiety and confidence stuff, but I don’t get those feelings when I’m with my family.
Plus, they listen to anything I throw at them. That means a lot to me. Just having someone to like bounce literally anything off of.
How did you interact with your family growing up?
MOM
When I was little, kids were just told to be quiet all the time, especially because we were raised Catholic. And I think when I was older, I was confusing to my mom. Like, I would ask questions and I was very inquisitive and she would always say, oh Kelly, that was 20 years ago. I don't remember that or oh Kelly, you're just too deep. So there was really a non-answer a lot of times. But I had questions, you know, questions about a lot of things. So, I talked to my grandpa a lot because he was a highly sensitive person too. And so on some level I understood his ways even if I didn’t understand why at the time. We weren't really taught how to be in the outside world. We were just expected to follow mom and dad. But we weren't really guided or taught at all. And it felt like such a different extreme from my home. So I felt very safe in my home, but I didn't not feel safe in the outside world.
I think with kids, they communicate a lot naturally themselves. So it's good for them to have someone who actually listens. So I think most kids, especially the quieter kids, really appreciate having someone who is safe and actually listens. So, while I was raising you I didn't have a lot of tension over you being too loud. I mean, I got tired, but I rather enjoyed just the experience of having children around me.
DAD
The way I reflect back on my childhood. It was more because there were four of us as compared to only one of you. On top of that, my mom brought other kids into the house and raised them. I was much more independent and separate, especially from seventh grade on, from my mom than you were from us, especially from your mom. At a certain point, I kind of felt like if I wanted to get something done I had to do it myself and bellyaching or crying about it wasn't going to change anything.
I don't think I dwelt on like, geez, nobody's listening to me. And my mom (Grandma Eve) always told me, I love you, I love you. So that was never a question. The question was more did she have the energy after watching all those kids all day to actually listen? Or could she, you know grandma is 100% female energy, so did she have the capability of understanding a young boy? So in that aspect, maybe it wasn't so much that I didn’t feel like she could hear me, it was more that she just couldn’t understand me.
"This girl is on fire. Everybody stares as she goes by.
Cause they can see the flame that's in her eyes."
― As sung by Alicia Keys and my parents
My dad's best friend made a playlist for my graduation. Everybody claimed this song should be the theme song of my life, and I remain extremely grateful that they have continued to believe in me that much.
Kelly's (MOM <3) Takeaways
01
I realized that Tim works things out as he is speaking while I tend to think before I speak.
02
I am 52 years old and I am finding that by having more time on the earth interacting with people you learn more about others perspectives. I believe that understanding other peoples’ perspectives is where wisdom comes from. The job of a young adult is to understand their own perspective and why they believe the things they do. That becomes a jumping-off point. I recognize that Sydney is taking a powerful jump with this project.
03
The most significant thing I learned is that I don’t have to have the perfect statement formulated in order to speak. I remember a video of me holding baby Sydney at the hospital. In the clip I am speaking so softly (being self-conscious and unsure) that it was like no sound was coming out of my mouth. Seeing that video years later, after my training at the schools, I found myself yelling at my old self, “Speak up woman! The baby can’t hear you and is wondering where her mama is!” I know I became a much better and consistent parent after I started working for the school. I see with my own parents, Tim’s parents, and parenting Sydney that every parent has flaws and is just trying to do the best they can with the knowledge they have. I think the key is being willing to learn.
Sydney's (Me) Takeaways
I set out with the intentions of this being a 'fun' project, but it ended up feeling more like a therapy session for my whole family. Even though we were already close before this project began, we all came away with a lot of realizations about ourselves. I think some of them will help us communicate better in the future, or at least have more empathy for each other's perspectives.
Reading over the words of my parents has given me a deeper understanding of where they came from and how that influenced their ideas of family, love, and loyalty. For instance, I knew my mom was shy growing up, but I never fully realized just how much that impacted her until now. And I never stopped to think about how that impacted my childhood either, especially the way I interacted with others.
Looking back, my mom had a small, tight network, which was partially because of the fact that the area I come from is very clicky. You have to live there for at least two generations to be considered a local, which was not the case for my mom.
I was also praised quite often by adults for being able to 'bring people out of their shells.' I think being both a highly sensitive person and being surrounded by people of all personalities taught me how to understand and accommodate different energy levels.
Aside from that though, I never realized that my fearlessness in regards to new adventures and the unknown isn't that widely shared. In fact, I didn't realize it until a classmate pointed out how abnormal that was. After talking to my parents, I learned that this was one of the main values they wanted to instill in me, which was very contradictory to the trend of the time towards helicopter parenting.
Tim'S (DAD!) Takeaways
01
Growing up in the Moore household we had to talk over people and politely interrupt them if we wanted to be heard. Being ignored was the worst form of punishment. In Kelly’s childhood, she was very shy and internalized everything. Because of this, she struggled to be heard. I’m not always a very patient person. I have to slow down and realize if someone doesn’t answer right away they’re not being rude. They’re not ignoring you, they just need time to digest internally before they speak up.
02
There is no 'one size fits all' to fix everyone’s challenges in life. The tools that work for me may or may not work for you. That doesn’t mean either set of tools are wrong. The same tools that work for me now would not have worked for me in my teens or 20s. People change, therefore the solutions need to be as fluid and complex as the people they serve.
03
Solidified my belief that in any relationship love, honesty, respect, and communication are the foundation for a healthy relationship.
04
After reading the conversations I had with Sydney, I realized I’m more of a smart ass than I ever suspected.
05
One of the things we attempted to teach Sydney is to look at life’s difficulties as a challenge or an opportunity to grow: instead of focusing on the rain making you wet, focus on the rain nourishing the ground, the plants, and life itself. The beauty of the rainbow. I now realize what we attempted to teach and what she heard were not always the same message. At times, she felt like we (me) were saying suck it up buttercup you have it pretty good. It’s hard for me to give energy to regrets, but I am sorry.
