While my parents are ideologically progressive, they followed a very traditional familial structure. While it was with good reason, I didn't appreciate those sacrifices until recently.
PART 1: MY THOUGHTS
I grew up in a very female-dominated social network. My dad simply didn’t have the free time to hang out with his own friends or have much of a life outside of us and work until after I was well into high school. As a consequence, I spent my time around my mom’s friends and their kids. These people consisted primarily of artists, teachers, and entrepreneurs, none of whom were very attached to their significant others and didn't spend much time with the opposite gender.
Furthermore, whenever I needed to be babysat it was by my dad’s mom, grandma Eve. I generally enjoyed it because she was usually babysitting several other kids at the same time, and I didn't always get the chance to be around other people my age as an only child and the youngest cousin, but my grandma also didn't associate much with men.
After spending years with my grandma, I have come to understand what he means when he talks about craving the stability he saw in my mom’s family. He grew up in a single-parent household with a mom who had no degree, no car, and no stable form of income. My grandma, ever the free spirit, ran away from boarding school and got knocked up by a charming Irish boy whose compliments turned into back-handed slaps whenever he raised a bottle to his lips. So who can blame her for harboring a lingering fear of men, which was so effervescent that it caused a huge strain on her relationship with her own sons, one of which she doesn't even talk to anymore (not my dad, it's the other one).
Her past has caused her to lean into childlike, playful tendencies. Growing up, she used to tell me to give into my desires because life was short, and a spoonful of sugar really does make the medicine go down better. Not the greatest thing to tell a pre-teen with no sense of inhibition: just do whatever you feel like, who gives a damn about the consequences!
But it wasn't all bad. I saw a lot of the same playfulness that exists in my dad in the way she interacted with children, and it gave her great joy to bring a smile to our faces. She used to chase behind us in a witch hat cackling “do you want the good witch or the BAD witch” whenever we would misbehave. She also had this story that our family came from a long lineage of witches, and in a past life we were hung at the stake for our crimes. That's why we can't stand wearing turtle necks, because the pressure reminds us of our distant past.
Regardless, the women who raised me provided a strong blueprint on how to be an opinionated, self-sustaining woman. And I’m extremely grateful for that, but sometimes I wish I’d been more exposed to men and people outside the artist’s community. I think it would have helped me explore my interests, especially as far typically more masculine activities go, such as sports.
I didn't watch a single sports game the whole time I was growing up outside of Super Bowl Sunday parties. And on a far more impactful level, I think my perception of gender roles made me feel like I was not cut out to pursue Econ for numerous years even though I had a clear interest.
PART 2: TRANSCRIPT
DAUGHTER: How did it work out that mom was always the one that took care of stuff around the house? Did that kind of just happen or was that like a conversation that you guys had? Cause I've always wondered about that.
DAD: I was working a lot. Because there was the fear of meeting our financial home. And because of that we fell back into more traditional roles: your mother was more of a nurturer whereas I had to make sure that the bills were paid.
MOM: Yeah, and at first I was working at Elder-Beerman. Then, when you were 18 months old, they got rid of my position company-wide. I was unemployed with a severance package. So then I was full time with you, which made me happy. I got to spend so much time with you, but it was also scary financially. So, I tried to get more involved in my art. I worked at several different art galleries in the area, but it was all little part-time stuff and not the steady income that I was used to.
DAD: From my perspective, we went to a Tony Robbins seminar and you were supposed to state your goals. One of your mother’s was to quit her job. It just so happened that within 12 months they eliminated her position. I think they offered her a fraction of her pay, which just didn't make sense.
MOM: Oh yeah, they said I could work at the Christmas store for a fraction of the pay.
DAD: And in my opinion, that's representative of where a lot of companies go: pay your top end people, like your CEO's, an ungodly amount of money and pay everybody else the bare minimum. Yet, we were both in agreement that you came first. That yes, we would sacrifice some financial choices in order to make sure that you weren't raised by a complete stranger or even by Grandma Eve [my dad’s mom]. And yes, Grandma had a huge impact on your upbringing, but we wanted to make sure that at least one of us, which happened to be your mother, was a big part of your life. It just so happened that meant at least one of us had to focus on finances, which was me, which made some of the choices of what kind of work I had to get. Do I wish I could have spent more time with you? Absolutely. But if it was a choice of nobody spending time with you or me working extra hours on a shift I didn’t like so you could at least have one solid parent figure there all at time, I knew I had to step up.
DAUGHTER: It's just really interesting to hear you guys talk about that. Cause it's so different being a kid through that, right. For so many years there, dad, it felt like you had to hover around the edge of our family because you were working so much. The things I can remember most about you during that time are not the things that, ideally, you would want me to remember the most about you: pounding on the floor from your bedroom upstairs because I was too loud while you're trying to sleep in the middle of the day and always going to Toledo without you. I didn't understand why you were making those decisions.
MOM: Now you do. I mean, part of growing up is realizing how little you do know.
PART 3: Research
My parents don't fight much, but there was one reacquiring argument that I can recall: money. My dad would always get on my mom's case for picking a job that gave her joy rather than one that paid the bills, which is a very typical argument for couples under financial stress.
From my perspective, I thought my mom was an angel as a kid, so I took her side in every argument. After all, she was the one who was always there for me whereas my dad was the one who was cracking down, grumpy from too little sleep and working countless night shifts. I know this dichotomy was never what my dad wished for, and it bothered him more than just a bit over the years.
I never thought I was that aware of the financial stress my parents were under until I was old enough for them to tell me how hard the 2008 crash had hit them. But, when I was looking at some research, it talked about how anxiety transmitted into kids from financial stress often goes undetected because kids are still developing the skills to properly express their feelings. Rather than verbally expressing themselves, kids often show their stress indirectly. A common effect is hoarding behavior, by hiding money or food.
Reflecting back, I used to hoard money a lot when I was a little kid. I never wanted to spend it, and I was always trying to find the best location to stash it in my room so that no one could get to it. There were a few times where I actually couldn't find it myself for awhile. And, my parents found that the only truly effective punishment was taking money away. Even threatening to take away a penny would instantly silence me where all other methods failed.
PART 4: SO WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?
So, maybe our financial situation did have more of an effect on me than I realized. But while it might have caused some stress, my family survived. I would even argue that we are stronger than ever because of it.
And as far as gender roles go, the best thing I can do to break down any remaining bias I might have is to gain more experience. I feel that going to college has been the biggest help for that so far. It has taught me that women are truly capable of anything, something my friends and female professors confirm everyday.
REFERENCES
“Economic Stress & Families.” The Anxiety & Stress Management Institute, https://www.stressmgt.net/cherry-services/economic-stress-families/.